here in my head

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to blog about this last week, but there’s been so little time. I have no idea how the time flies and how at one point in my life I managed to work full time and go to university full time and still, STILL, have time to blog. And watch TV. And sleep. I was clearly a superhero…

But now, apparently, it’s a miracle that I manage to squeeze in my half-hour viewing of the Office every week (and sometimes, I’m doing that late at night on my laptop because Thursday at 9 p.m. is just not convenient) and get to the blog once a week. And instead of writing about things that catch my interest, things like Margaret Wente’s column where she stated that women don’t blog or the show we saw at the NAC last week, you get this…Because by now it’s all been discussed…

Last week was Spring Break, which means nothing to childless types like Mike and me, except that the traffic on Mike’s commute to work was even lighter than usual, and my strength-training classes were cancelled. Which meant that instead of taking the bus one hour across town post work on Wednesday, I got to go out with some coworkers to hit a bar in the market for St. Patrick’s Day. And, for the first time in my life, had green beer (well, cider, due to the whole no-gluten thing. Stupid gluten…) Thursday night was date night, thanks to the NAC and DaniGirl. The NAC gave Dani two tickets to their Pop’s concert Mysteroso to give away on her blog. And I was the lucky winner. It was a fun night out, not least of all because I finally got to meet Dani in real life. The show was fun – I’m a sucker for illusions. It wasn’t a show we’d normally have chosen, but we enjoyed it none-the-less and on the walk home Mike suggested we should look into shows at the NAC more often – especially since it’s now just a 15 minute walk home rather than a 40 minute drive. On Friday, we got our new granite kitchen countertops installed and I am in love. They are so pretty. I feel very old now, getting so excited about granite, but I’ll get over it. Now if only the restoration company could come and finish off the rest of the kitchen and then we’d be done… That would be nice. Living in half-finished renos for months now has been stressful, to say the least. It will be good to have everything back to rights and then maybe, just maybe, we can proceed to unpacking the remaining boxes. Six months after we moved in. What a concept.

Yeah, I’m bored reading that too.

I’ve been struggling ever since giving up the old blog and starting this new one on what I want to get out of blogging. What do I want this blog to be? Do I even want to blog? I keep coming back to it, so yes, I do think that I want to be blogging. But do I want this to be more than just a rehash of the minor day-to-day goings on in my world? And if so, what do I want to write about? And how do I ensure that I carve space out in my life to make blogging happen? I don’t expect anyone to have the answers, when I don’t myself. But these are the things that go around in my head as I sit down to write. And when I’m rushing around thinking “hey, I’d really like to blog about that” but then never get (or take) the time. Maybe blogging about the mundane once a week fills a need and that’s how it will continue, but somehow I really think I’d like this to be more than that. Either that or not do it at all.

Guess what today is?

Yeah, so I just started this thing back up, but I know there must be a few of you reading…

So delurk already. Pretty please?

See – this is why I gave up resolutions. Even non-resolutions set me up to fail…it’s been almost a week since my last confession post. What can I say…I have been entirely bloggy uninspired. I’m trying to remember what I used to blog about, way back when I was blogging nearly every day. I’ll cut myself some slack, ease my self back into this blogging business…

I’m trying not to live in the past, but to be really present with where I am now, and yet I can’t help missing the holidays. Not having to do the 9-5 thing was a boon for my creativity. Having time to breathe was nice. But instead we are in the new year where I have, once again, booked myself full of activities in the evenings. Monday and Wednesday I have my strength training class for 1.5 hours. Which would be fine, not that invasive to my personal time, if it wasn’t for the 2.5 hours I have to endure on city buses to get to my class and back. I moved downtown so I could give up OC Transpo, and then I go and sign up for a course offered only a gym half way across town. Because I’m smart like that…

Thursday nights is skiing. Once again, I am braving my fear of heights, my fear of loss of control, my fear of sliding, and my fear of hurting myself and am putting sticks on my feet and sending myself down a mountain (okay, fine, not a mountain. Would you accept a really big hill?) I’m hoping to recapture some of the excitement I felt at the end of last year’s lessons without going through the crippling panic of the first seven weeks of lessons. First lesson is Thursday. Apparently I never learn. Or I’m a glutton for punishment. Or I’m still convinced that doing things that scare me is really the way to grow. Either way, wish me luck.

Oh, and if you could pass along a few blogging ideas as well, that would be swell too…

I tend not to do new years resolutions. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I used to do new years resolutions – I used to be all over new years resolutions. “This is it,” I would tell myself. “This is the year I do THIS”. Whatever THIS was changed from year to year, but it was guaranteed to fix my life. THIS was going to solve everything that was wrong. THIS was going to be the ticket to make everything perfect. Except THIS never did any of what the shiny promises made me think THIS would do. THIS never lived up to its expectations.

And then somewhere along the way in the last few years, I stopped believing that my life was in so desperate need of fixing. I stopped believing that I was lacking. I stopped believing that I was less than and needed THIS to make me complete, full, better, happier. I also stopped believing in perfection. I stopped being all or nothing. I recognized that resolutions were just another way I set myself up to fail. And so I stopped making resolutions.

I still take a few minutes in the beginning of every new year to check in with myself and my goals. Because while I stopped believing in perfection, I did not stop believing that there are areas in my life that will benefit with consistent effort towards improvement. We don’t move forward without challenging ourselves and I’ve spent far too much of my life hiding and playing it safe. So I took a few minutes new years eve, between the ski hill and bounding out the door to a friend’s party, to think about what it is I hope for 2010, and what it is I want to work toward: The continued effort towards good, healthy habits. To not let fear hold me back (downhill skiing anyone?). To reach out more rather than turn inward.

That last one’s a big one. 2009 was mainly a year of turning into myself. I cut off some connections. I stopped blogging (despite some half-hearted attempts to start back up long before I was really ready). I stopped reading all but a handful of blogs on any consistent basis. I kept only in real (and by real, I mean “not facebook”) contact with but a few of my closest friends. For a while it was just simply easier that way – I don’t really remember it now, since I’ve come so far in the last few months, but for a good portion of 2009 I was in a very bad place mentally and physically. It’s only been the last few months where I’ve felt well enough, and enough like myself to really put an emphasis on reaching out again. Of saying “yes” to opportunities, when my mind and my desire to hide out on my couch is screaming “no”. And I’m doing so much better for it. So, my biggest goal for 2010 is to reach out more – to rebuild some of those connections that have loosened and to blog more.

For real this time.

So, me? I am a very bad blogger…And, I’ve decided I’m okay with that, at least for the moment, and that I’d rather go with the ebb and flow of my creative impulses rather than fight them. I’ve not been feeling like expressing myself in words lately, but rather visually, or musically instead. I’ve been playing the piano (well, my little keyboard masqurading as a piano) again, sketching and doodling again, all the while, ignoring the blog. I could blame the stress of selling the house, and buying a new one (we move in a month – a MONTH! I will live downtown in just one month’s time!!!!), and that would not be entirely invalid – it was all consuming to our spare time, the search for a new home and the keeping our current home pristine – but in truth, I haven’t wanted to write. Or even read all that much – I stopped visitng all but a few blogs. My head was not in the blogosphere. Until recently – recently I’ve been feeling the pull, the call of the blog, of writing once again. So we’ll see where this leads.

Except, today, I start a vacation from technology for the next few days. My timing is impeccable.

Normally I wouldn’t keep such a post up, but since Le.Sombre left the very first comment here, I now feel compelled to keep the default wordpress first post.  God, he’s such a brat *

Real posting to commence soon…just as soon as I get a grasp of CSS.  

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

*And by ‘such a brat’ I obviously mean that he rocks. Just in case the winky doesn’t make it clear…