here in my head

I think I was handed what will soon become my newest addiction today.

Work gave me my very own blackberry.

I may never be able to return to a boring old cell phone again…

I had dinner last night with The Gals, some of the most wonderful women I have ever met. We all met only five scant months ago when we signed up for a group therapy treatment study at the hospital late last fall and over the course of that study we became fast friends, in what the researchers said was something they’d never seen before: a group where there was no real conflict between members; where everyone was supportive; where everyone got along; where everyone was sad when the group study was over; and where everyone vowed to stay in touch. And then did.

I love our dinners together. I love how much I look forward to seeing these amazing women. I love how wonderful it is, having a group of women who all get along and who love each other so much and want nothing but the best things for each other. It’s one big gab fest when we get together and I feel energized and blessed when the night is over.

Last night I found myself confessing something I’ve not told anyone – that as we get closer to the end of May, and the Ottawa Race Weekend, I’m really sorry I didn’t sign up to walk the half-marathon again this year. However, given how crazy my schedule was this winter, what with a bus strike that dragged on for months and evenings jam packed with activities, including learning to ski, finding time to fit in half-marathon training would have been near impossible, and just might have seen me checking into the mental ward… But now that things have calmed down, and the snow has disappeared and the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I’m out walking again, I’m wishing I’d been training. I know I’m not capable of walking a half marathon in a month, but I may sign up for the 5K (easy, peasy!) as a motivator to get back to actual training rather than just strolling… And I was mentioning this to my amazing new friends, and lamenting my lack of motivation to really train alone again, when one of them said “I’ll walk a half-marathon with you.” And a few others chimed in to say the same. Which is how I ended up as the de facto leader of a rag-tag group of (amazing) women all embarking on their first half-marathon come September. I’m working out a training plan, and we’ll meet weekly for our Sunday long walks.

I’m committed now it seems… And I can’t wait!

My third annual “Day Devoted to Suze’s Health and Wellbeing” (as I’ve come to call it) was on Monday. It started with a trip to the doctor for my annual physical and blood-test results. In April 2006 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), my fasting blood sugar indicated pre-diabetes, my cholestoral was high, and just, in general, I was not in a good place, physically, for someone not yet 30. These results prompted lifestyle changes that I’ve managed to maintain (more or less) over the last three years. And every year on the day my physical is scheduled, I take the day off so I can visit the doctor and see the naturopath and make a plan for the next year. My blood sugar has been perfect these last three years since, as has my cholestoral. My medications have been reduced. I lost over 50lbs (I’m now at about 40lbs lost – the result of losing the access to the free gym at my old job has not been kind…That and I’ve had trouble finding a free activity I like as much as the elliptical…) It’s a struggle, one I have more success with some days/weeks/months than others, but on the whole I’m still moving in a positive direction. Taking this day every year reminds me of that – of how much work these last three years have been, and that I don’t want that to go to waste (or waist, as the case may be…)

And the cause of my overriding exhaustion/lack of sleep has been found – I’m lacking in some very important B12 and thus some red blood cells and my thyroid hormone has been over-replaced, mimicing hyperthyroid symptoms (rather than relieving the hypothyroid symptoms I normally exhibit). Now that I’m once again taking a more-appropriate dose for my thyroid I’m back to getting a full night’s sleep and hopefully in a few weeks when I’ve been able to renew my B12 stores I’ll be back in full energy once more…

The goals for this year have been set, and the plan of attack is being forged. And once again I feel renewed on this journey.

I was exiting the bus the other day when it hit me. I’ve never really appreciated the fact that for the last five years, I’ve lived across the street from a fire station. Sure, it’s been a great landmark to use when giving people directions, and their close proximity is reassuring if we were to ever have a house fire. But, hello, that’s not all it’s good for. Also, when the weather starts to get warmer and the sun starts to shine, the fire fighters bring the fire trucks out to the lot and wash them. While in uniform.

All this time, one of the prime female fantasies playing out practically in my back yard, and I’m only now realizing it…

You know it’s not going to be a good day when you wake up half an hour before you’re supposed to be at the dentist, which is a good 25 minute drive from your home.

But, then you think your day might be improving when the dentist announces “look ma, no cavities!”.

But no, you know it’s not going to be a good day when you then discover that your credit card won’t work to pay said dentist after all the scraping and poking and proding of your teeth and gums are done.

But, then you think your day might be improving when you manage to catch your bus just seconds after you leave the dentist office.

But no, you know it’s not going to be a good day when you can’t find your bus pass no matter how hard you look and have to then fish out the $3 in change to pay for your ride.

But, then you think your day might be improving when you remember that you still have enough on your old starbucks card to pay for a latte. And it actually works!

But no, you know it’s not going to be a good day when you get to work and realize that the latte? It’s now breakfast since the microwave is broken and you can no longer make your full-flake non-instant oatmeal for breakfast.

And then, then you know your day is really going to suck when you reach in your purse to pull out your iPod to discover that it’s missing. And you know you tossed it in your bag this morning.

And then? That is when you realize it’s not even 9:30 am and you might have cried a little at your desk…

*** Update (11:35 am) – the iPod has been found! It was hiding in a pocket of the bag I searched three times while looking for it. In an open pocket of a bag that was emptied and then shook upside down in panic. The only explanation I can come up with (other than Suze is an idiot, which clearly cannot be the case…) is that the fairies took it to play with and they have now returned it… (see, makes much more sense than Suze is an idiot. Really…)

Now that the sun is once again shining, and temperatures are such that I’m mostly (but not entirely) comfortable without a jacket come mid-day, I’ve started walking again at lunch hour. While a nice stretch of the legs, I don’t think I can really count it as exercise, because one of the drawbacks to working downtown is at lunch hour, when the sun is once again shining and the temperatures warm, everyone has left their offices and the streets are crowded. And since many friends work in the same general area downtown as I do, I also will often run into someone I know and have to stop and chat. I’m missing the walking in the relative anonymity of my suburb, like I had last year when I trained for the half-marathon. And so when walking about downtown at noon, I tell myself that when I get home, I’ll go straight to my runners and get outside. But then the bus is late, and crowded, and I get home just before dinner, hungry and exhausted, and once I’m in the house, and fed, the motivation to put on those shoes and go, once again, back outside disappears. Instead the pull of the latest novel on the go, or that germ of an idea for a painting, or the lull of the mindless word games on the internet keeps me indoors. “Besides” that voice inside me says “the sun has set, and the real joy of walking outdoors is the sun and the blue sky…”

So I vow instead to take runners with me to the office, and some walking clothes, and hit the canal at lunch instead of the busy streets.

And the cycle repeats, again and again…

But hey, there is, once again, blue skies and warmer temperatures. And the call of the fresh air at lunchtime…

…we’ll i’m not surprised…

I’m feeling a bit melancholic tonight, this morning, whatever time it is…I can’t sleep, yet again. This is a recurring pattern lately, although I’m afraid I’m at fault this time – too much of the wrong food, too close to bedtime, coupled with caffeine, and nerves frayed raw. I don’t know what it is about this time of year that always has me wanting, restless, unsettled – wanting to do more, to follow creative impulses – too many to count. I start countless projects at this time of year, or I become paralysed by the all this choice, all the possibilities, and that gets me thinking about the roads not taken, parallel lives other mes might be living, if only…

It’s not really a good headspace to be in, one that is difficult for those around me to understand, and certainly not one conducive to sleep. But one, apparently that is good for something – I’m back to blogging, I’m picking up CSS so I can make myself a template I really like (this one is close, but not quite there yet…) I need the outlet I guess. And I miss the conversation – the connection. The place to let the thoughts in my head tumble out and splatter on the screen. To give you all a peek inside my head. Buckle up – it’s a bumpy ride…

Normally I wouldn’t keep such a post up, but since Le.Sombre left the very first comment here, I now feel compelled to keep the default wordpress first post.  God, he’s such a brat *

Real posting to commence soon…just as soon as I get a grasp of CSS.  

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*And by ‘such a brat’ I obviously mean that he rocks. Just in case the winky doesn’t make it clear…