here in my head

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to blog about this last week, but there’s been so little time. I have no idea how the time flies and how at one point in my life I managed to work full time and go to university full time and still, STILL, have time to blog. And watch TV. And sleep. I was clearly a superhero…

But now, apparently, it’s a miracle that I manage to squeeze in my half-hour viewing of the Office every week (and sometimes, I’m doing that late at night on my laptop because Thursday at 9 p.m. is just not convenient) and get to the blog once a week. And instead of writing about things that catch my interest, things like Margaret Wente’s column where she stated that women don’t blog or the show we saw at the NAC last week, you get this…Because by now it’s all been discussed…

Last week was Spring Break, which means nothing to childless types like Mike and me, except that the traffic on Mike’s commute to work was even lighter than usual, and my strength-training classes were cancelled. Which meant that instead of taking the bus one hour across town post work on Wednesday, I got to go out with some coworkers to hit a bar in the market for St. Patrick’s Day. And, for the first time in my life, had green beer (well, cider, due to the whole no-gluten thing. Stupid gluten…) Thursday night was date night, thanks to the NAC and DaniGirl. The NAC gave Dani two tickets to their Pop’s concert Mysteroso to give away on her blog. And I was the lucky winner. It was a fun night out, not least of all because I finally got to meet Dani in real life. The show was fun – I’m a sucker for illusions. It wasn’t a show we’d normally have chosen, but we enjoyed it none-the-less and on the walk home Mike suggested we should look into shows at the NAC more often – especially since it’s now just a 15 minute walk home rather than a 40 minute drive. On Friday, we got our new granite kitchen countertops installed and I am in love. They are so pretty. I feel very old now, getting so excited about granite, but I’ll get over it. Now if only the restoration company could come and finish off the rest of the kitchen and then we’d be done… That would be nice. Living in half-finished renos for months now has been stressful, to say the least. It will be good to have everything back to rights and then maybe, just maybe, we can proceed to unpacking the remaining boxes. Six months after we moved in. What a concept.

Yeah, I’m bored reading that too.

I’ve been struggling ever since giving up the old blog and starting this new one on what I want to get out of blogging. What do I want this blog to be? Do I even want to blog? I keep coming back to it, so yes, I do think that I want to be blogging. But do I want this to be more than just a rehash of the minor day-to-day goings on in my world? And if so, what do I want to write about? And how do I ensure that I carve space out in my life to make blogging happen? I don’t expect anyone to have the answers, when I don’t myself. But these are the things that go around in my head as I sit down to write. And when I’m rushing around thinking “hey, I’d really like to blog about that” but then never get (or take) the time. Maybe blogging about the mundane once a week fills a need and that’s how it will continue, but somehow I really think I’d like this to be more than that. Either that or not do it at all.

The weather outside of late has been amazing. Warm, sunny, positively springlike. Not at all like March. Exactly as I would like every March to be… As a result I’ve been spending a lot of time outside, which has had an amazing affect on my mood. Walking is an excellent balm for the soul – I don’t know why I seem to have trouble remembering that…

Today’s walk gave me the chance to explore a new area near my neighbourhood I hadn’t discovered before – this little touch of paradise tucked away in the middle of the city. I never knew these little offshoot creeks from the river existed, these quaint wooden bridges passing over. Picturesque parks. Bliss. Peace.

I will never regret moving downtown. This is the life I hoped for, the lifestyle I wanted.

I’m doing it again – pulling away. Withdrawing. Ignoring the blog, the phone calls I need to return, the friends I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t know why I’m doing it – I’m not feeling particularly sad. The dragon is not breathing down my neck. The days have been uncharacteristically sunny and bright and warm for March (except today which was rainy and wet). My kitchen is somewhat back to rights (just waiting on the granite countertops and the bright backsplash. And freshly painted walls.) We spent all last weekend cleaning, getting the house organized and removing the dirt and dust from the seemingly endless renovations. This weekend was spent with friends and family in celebrations. There is no reason for this withdrawal, at least nothing that I can pinpoint and say “This, this is the reason…”

It’s funny – in some ways I feel like things are moving forward. That we are really progressing towards our goals for our life together. That I am really progressing towards my goals for what I want my life to be. I’m noticing small changes to my muscles and my body that show that my workouts are working. The house is, every day, becoming more and more how I want my home to be. My 6.5 mile walk last Sunday reminded me of why I love long-distance walking, and why I need to do it more often. Two hours alone with my headphones and my feet moving to the beat.

And then in other ways, I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. That it doesn’t matter what I do, because I always end up right back where I started.

I really need to learn the art of goal-setting. Of mapping out what it is I want, really want, and then figure out how to go for it. How to make it happen. How to stop sitting on the sidelines of my own life half the time.

I think this might be one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time.

I can’t find my stopwatch.

It’s not a big deal really – it’s not a fancy watch or anything, but it does the trick of keeping track of time. Something useful as my walks start getting longer. Mike bought it for me a few years ago for Christmas or my birthday – either way, Dec. 25th. I was starting training for my first half-marathon walk and it was my constant companion on those walks. He bought it because it was purple and he knew that would make me smile. And I need it.

But I can’t find it. That watch is one of a growing list of things that I can’t find since the move; things that include my passport, my birth certificate, and the paperwork for the guarantee for my wedding rings. There are many others like them, needed in the moment and then left unfound for now. We still have boxes upon boxes in our basement, in Mike’s parents’ basement, in my parents’ garage. Things that I would be tempted to say we don’t need if we haven’t needed them since October, except that there are things we do need. Things that I can’t find. Because as much as we are home in this new house, we are not settled. We unpacked really only the essentials when we first moved in because we were getting the house rewired, and so why unpack a bunch of stuff when it would all get dusty and dirty and need to be repacked to give the electricians room to punch holes in walls and pull wires everywhere. So our boxes remained unopened. And then it was Christmas. And then it was the new year, and water was rushing through the wall between our dining room and kitchen and more holes were being punched in walls and here we are, almost five months since we moved in, with countless unpacked boxes in three locations, and unfinished renovations.

I can’t wait until we can finally have everything in it’s place…