there are maybe ten or twelve things i could teach you, after that, well, you’re on your own…
I’m doing it again – pulling away. Withdrawing. Ignoring the blog, the phone calls I need to return, the friends I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t know why I’m doing it – I’m not feeling particularly sad. The dragon is not breathing down my neck. The days have been uncharacteristically sunny and bright and warm for March (except today which was rainy and wet). My kitchen is somewhat back to rights (just waiting on the granite countertops and the bright backsplash. And freshly painted walls.) We spent all last weekend cleaning, getting the house organized and removing the dirt and dust from the seemingly endless renovations. This weekend was spent with friends and family in celebrations. There is no reason for this withdrawal, at least nothing that I can pinpoint and say “This, this is the reason…”
It’s funny – in some ways I feel like things are moving forward. That we are really progressing towards our goals for our life together. That I am really progressing towards my goals for what I want my life to be. I’m noticing small changes to my muscles and my body that show that my workouts are working. The house is, every day, becoming more and more how I want my home to be. My 6.5 mile walk last Sunday reminded me of why I love long-distance walking, and why I need to do it more often. Two hours alone with my headphones and my feet moving to the beat.
And then in other ways, I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. That it doesn’t matter what I do, because I always end up right back where I started.
I really need to learn the art of goal-setting. Of mapping out what it is I want, really want, and then figure out how to go for it. How to make it happen. How to stop sitting on the sidelines of my own life half the time.